My mind is stuck, my heart hurts, and I struggle just trying to be. It’s been a year and 9 months since he left and 2 months since he remarried. Yet, it feels like it all happened just yesterday. The pain hasn’t lessened even if it seems like everything is okay with me.
I don’t know how anyone can carry this kind of pain that consumes their entire being and make their way in this lifetime. It is heavy, it is overwhelming, it is draining and it doesn’t seem like it will ever go away.
The pain, the hurt and the stress from it all is wrecking havoc on my mind, body and soul. Literally! I have lost a lot of sleep, tears, and my weight is yo-yo-ing. I have broken out in a rash that won’t go away no matter what I have tried. I’ve lost motivation for the things that I used to really love doing. My anxiety is at an all time high and there are times when I feel like I am going to lose it.
They say that time heals, but does it really? They say that it gets better after a while, but does it? Or does it appear as if time heals and things get better because we use things to distract us from the thoughts and memories that trigger the pain?
I gave my all to the douchebag! I supported him, I took care of him, and I loved him intensely. I fought for us, but he simply walked away and treated me like I never existed. He devalued me, gaslighted me, vilified me, and continuously lied to me up until the very end. It hurt so bad and still does to this very day.
You would think that just by the way he treated me, I would stop loving him. But, I can’t simply turn off that feeling and walk away like I am over him. Yes, it’s over between us and no, I would never take him back if he ever asked, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for him.
The pain of loving a man who will never be a part of my life ever again is so deep. So deep that I don’t know how I manage every single day to put on a happy face and make like all is well. I guess I’m a great pretender!