My blogs are random musings of my life and in no particular order. I often find myself wanting or needing to write about what is currently on my mind. So most of my posts are either depressing, full of anger, sadness and a bag of mixed emotions. After all, I am post 1 1/2 years from D Day and it has not gotten any easier for me.
I carry so much pain! I feel like my heart will explode and the tears will be never ending. Yet, I put on a happy face when I look to my family. I don’t want to burden them with my broken heart. But I’m afraid that one day, they may see right through that smile and know that I am so broken. I mean, they know that I am hurt, but I don’t think they realize the magnitude of the damage done by the douchebag.
I wake up every morning hoping that my day will be without thoughts of what happened, but anything can change the outcome of that hope. Things that remind me of him like a song or food, a commercial .. any little thing. The triggers are constant and I tend to break down. My heart aches, my head hurts and my body weakens. Sigh! Bedtime comes and once again, I hope that sleep will come easily. But as you might guess, it often evades me or I awaken multiple times throughout the night. And then, it starts all over!
I’ve been avoiding many people including one of my good friends. I’ve found it so difficult to talk to anyone other than my kids and my mom. I really have no desire! That is until today! My friend kept messaging and begging to talk to me. I finally relented and called her. Believe me, I dreaded being on the phone with her. My heart was racing and my anxiety leveled up. I couldn’t stand to hear her voice nor to listen to her chit chat. I was so glad when our connection was disrupted. I won’t be doing that again.
I have to do things at my own pace. I can’t have anyone making any demands with me or begging me to do anything. I am healing at my own pace and it may seem like a slow one, but it’s my journey.